Anger is a healthy emotion when it is expressed appropriately. When it is not,
it can have devastating effects. Anger is at the root of many personal and
social problems, e.g., child abuse, domestic violence, physical and verbal
abuse, and community violence. Problematic interpersonal relations may also
disrupt employment activities because of the interference of anger on
workplace performance. Left unchecked, anger can destroy relationships,
obstruct problem solving skills, and increase social withdrawal. Anger also
affects our physical health. For example, it can tax our immune system;
contribute to headaches, migraines, severe gastrointestinal symptoms,
hypertension, and coronary artery disease. Anger is a healthy and valid
emotion. But many of us are taught not to express or show our anger. This
often leaves us feeling frustrated and unable to express how we feel inside.
As a result, some of us store and suppress our anger, while others may
express it, but in negative and unhealthy ways. Individual counseling sessions
will assist you in learning how to express and communicate your anger in
positive and effective ways. Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity
from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,' according to Charles
Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like
other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes;
when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the
level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and/nor adrenalin. Anger can be
caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry with a
specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a
canceled flight), or worrying or brooding about your personal problems could
cause your anger. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger
angry feelings. The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond
aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires
powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and
to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger,
therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically
lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social
norms and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal
with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing,
suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive --not
aggressive -- manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you
have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them
met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or
demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be
suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold
in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim
is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive
behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward
expression, your anger can turn inward -- on yourself. Anger turned inward
may cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression. Unexpressed
anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of
anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly,
without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a
personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are
constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical
comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not
surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Finally,
you can calm yourself down inside. This means not just controlling your
outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to
lower your heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in
anger management, some people are really more 'hotheaded' than others;
they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There
are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are
chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse
and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a
low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should
not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They
can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation
seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born
irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a
very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as
negative; we've taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other
emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle
it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background
plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that
are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional communications. Simply
put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse,
swear or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When
you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try
replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of
telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself,
'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the
end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.' Be careful of
words like 'never' or 'always' when talking about yourself or someone else.
'This machine never works,' or 'you're always forgetting things' are not just
inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and
that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate
people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. For
example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to
meet. Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to
accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time).
So avoid saying things like, 'You are always late! You're the most
irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!' The only goal that
accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend. State what the problem is,
and try to find a solution that works for both of you; or take matters into your
own hands by, for instance, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so
that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or
her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn't
damaged. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that
it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic
defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become
irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world
is 'not out to get you,' You're just experiencing some of the rough spots of
daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help
you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things:
fairness, appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things their way.
Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we
don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands
aren't met their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive
restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature
and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying 'I would
like' something is healthier than saying 'I demand' or 'I must have' something.
When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal
reactions --frustration, disappointment, hurt -- but not anger. Some angry
people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the
hurt goes away. Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real
and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often
it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural
belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find
out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation,
then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and
face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way.
(People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organizing
or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to
punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it
with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it
head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing
thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

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